Dear diary,

Haven't got the mood to update as much these days . Feeling quite messed up. Messy entry ahead. Going back to brisbane in 13 days . Another countdown. Another 5 months. Another hundred over days. Another semester of struggles. Going back there this time round brings yet another set of feelings. Distant yet familiar in a strange sorta way. Yearning but with so much reluctant. As much as not wanting the familiarity or the intimacy to become yet another mere webcam screen on my laptop. The me in me can't wait to return back with a degree... finally. Finally. Because. Off the heavy financal burden my parents have got to bare for me. Off the intense cautious i got to put up with. Off the seemingly happy life i lead... only for them to see how 'strong' i am to be able to live. With a wave of their hands and a shrug of their shoulder. They then proclaim how easy it all is. But that's all right. People doesn't always see things in your view.Just like how u dun always see why they heave and sign over this and that. And that's because u haven't had the chance to see things in their stand. He said.

Having been able to live away from home for a short period of time makes me cherish every single moment i spend at home more. I guess that's a plus point. At least i am more aware that well-pressed clothes doesn't always lay in your drawer really to be wore. Dustbins doesn't always get cleared. A shout for tea doesn't grant you a cup in 5 mins. A touch from him doesn't always means he's attentive. Silence sometimes means he's really listening.

It's really not about being 'brave'. Not able the hooha. Nothing of that sort. Not at all. It's about my dreams. And even if it's finally done.... that will only be the beginning.

Have been experiencing situations whereby i choose to appear extremely meek and demure...' . Quiet and unassuming. All so agreeable. Having said that , it doesnt means that i am extremely forward and straight talking and all. But at least.... i know i am not as much a 'mouse' as i protrayed to them. Sometimes i choose to be like that. Because i dun see the point to oppose. Maybe that's a flaw in itself. Not wanting to say no because ' i dunreally know them...' This facade. This guise. O so familiar. This fabricated relationship i rather not have. Because i dun see the point in playing hanky panky with people i dun like. With people i dun trust , i rather not talk. Even if i talk it's really a stance. A stance to show that i am not mute. LOL.

Hmm... all righty... bye... going to the chalet now... muackies...

Love
Jorine...