Dear diary,

I juz wanna lament that there're a hundred and one things i need to do but have not yet found the time to do. The list on my Stuffs-To-Do is getting longer and longer and quite unfortunately less than a quarter on them have a tick beside it. On days like this , i feel so much like i'm in a rat race constantly vrying for extra time but always lagging behind in this way or that. I hate this feeling and i long for a breather . A time i can juz relax at home chatting so causally with my gfs or sweet will be REALLY cherished . I guess it has been a while since i last felt REALLY relaxed and at ease myself. I don't deny that i've been hanging out with my gfs or bf but it's juz not the same anymore.

When i was out with my gfs the other day , we were supposed to meet at 7, i've got tuition b4 and immediately after tuition ended intended to rush to the bus-stop so that i will not be late. But my gfs were held back and so i went home. We decided on 8 instead of 7. I was debating with myself if i shld get my dinner or not cos i was really hungry. I gave in to my tummy but by the time the dinner arrived , it was 7.30 and i practically juz gulped down my dinner. It's not a good feeling to gulp down ur meal , but i've been doing this for quite a while now , not everytime but juz some. Still it's disgusting to juz gobble ur meal down cos then i think it means u're not enjoying ur meal but rather juz eating for the sake of eating. And when u gobble ur dinner u feel horribly bloated for some reasons i've yet to find out. So after a horrible meal we meet up and sang our lungs out at partyworld , then so abruptly we gonna stop singing cos of curfews... trains.. etc. I got into a cab with sharon all the while feeling very tense then at this time , my alarm rang. HEY! I've juz started enjoying..... erm... and now i'm in a cab rushing home because of my stupid curfew? ? ? WTH!~! Curfews! ARGH! BOTHER! so the girls' day out ended so hastily with me juz starting to get warmed up.

The case with my bf.... hmm.... after a whirlpool 'event' last last month or so , our r/s went onto the next level. *beam* But time is STILL not on our side , esp with me being very strict on my tuition timing now and me not willing to compromise my tuition time to coordinate with his free time. I juz feel it's too stressful and so overly confusing to constantly change my tuition time so that our free time dove-tail each other. Such a MESS!!! So these days , time out with him are very very precious. If he's free at all. Ironically , on days when he's supposed to be free and i happen to be free , something ALWAYS conveniently pops up. Like, it's his in-service day or his exhibition day , or his training day and the list goes on. And then awww.... finally we can hang out... but noadays when we can go out , there's seldom alone time , because... we'll be going out with his frens or it's high time i go visit his family and vice versa or there'll be some gatherings of sort. It's not that i don't enjoy these... i really really do enjoy hanging ard them and they make me laugh. BUT where's our alone time ~! o manz ! i can't even find time to discuss our third-year anniversary stuffs . Not when both of us are so tired out by the day's activities and when he gona turn in early cause... *yawn* he needs to work the next day.

Finally to sum things up , i am still doing things i enjoy , but it's juz not the same anymore. That element of 'rushing things' constantly there and it's bothersome. I need some time whenby i can sit down relax , plan my stuffs , hang out.... I need to hang out with my gfs without feeling stressed out by the money , by the time constraints , by how everything's gonna fall in place . Like when i am out with my gfs , part of me is here ... the other part is really getting so worried abt the tuition schedule and if i'll be able to earn as much as i possibly can, if the amount of money i've with me will be able to tide me thru till my next pay time. All these amount to so much thgts so much worries a student do not need to worry abt. In the mist of rushing between one tuition and the next , when u're teaching a horrible student and so wanting to give up on him , when i think to myself how many many times i've been telling others i wanna give up on him but holded back. Frankly it's cause i need the money. It's a horrible thing to force urself to teach the kid when u're so half-hearted to. But in this practical world , it's juz it. Like how so many ppl complaints abt their job but are still at it. O well...

But when i think abt the quality of life i wan to pursue at the next stage of my life ,that vision i've of me and sweet five ... maybe six... eight years down the road. I think all these 'complaints' abt having too much tuitions , abt not having enough QUALITY time for him for my gfs, all the fears i've in me. Everything seem like a small nudge towards that 'vision' , i think it's worth it.

Everything and anything juz brighten up when i think of that. :D
It's that drive in me and in him.
I wan to make it happen.
I know he wants it too.

Love,