**82 Days **

Dear diary,

Haven't been blogging cos i haven't been ard my room much for the past 2 days. Went to bunk into esther's room so that we can study for tml's mid-sem exam together . So for the past 2 nights i've been studying....~ and it's no fun studying and moving ard in a tiny room feeling o-so-suffocated! seriously i feel so suffocated... haven't stepped outta unilodge for the past 3 days! 3 BLOODLY days~ and the spaces u're 'allowed' to move ard is THAT small.....

Sometimes i feel so squeezed out... so drained out~ thou most of the time i dun allow myself to think of negatives thgts...cos i know that it's either this or that! either i make this situation i am in to be a positive mind changing experience or a negative nasty one... but sometimes... juz sometimes..... i feel so dead so deprived of FUN....look ard me... no one's really there... physically at least... things are definately easier said than done.... trust me... when u're trapped in a cubicle having nothing to do except to study or... use the lappy... things dun look so nice and dainty anymore... yes... i could juz go out... i could... but i know that i am not going to enjoy whatever i am going to do because there're work to be done... notes to go thru... and u juz dun want to waste ur parents money like that.... i am forcing myself to study... literally..! LOL...
and forcing urself to study isn't such a good thing really.... prob one of the worst form of torture... LOL...the delimma i am in makes me feel frustrated really!

Talked to mum yesterday ... and she asked was like... 'miss home already hor...' yeah... miss home.... then she rebuted me and said... 'i thgt u've always wanted to go aust to study'~ i was kinda irritated then... because... let's juz get this straight... never have i... thgt of going to aust to study as a 'fun' thing... NEVER~ the reason why i wanted and conviced her to let me study in aust was because i know to get to where i visualise myself to be in prob... 10 years ... i'll need that damn degree... i know i will be able to at least fend for myself with a dip... but i not only want to fend for myself NOW... i want to fend for my future... which includes... car loans... house loans... and what's not... sometimes the pressure the society is giving gets to me...not a very wise thing to keep thinking of loans and stuffs... but i get scare... when i see ppl not being able to pay off their loans... because they haven't got a proper job and stuffs... not being to live a 'dun really need to bother' about money kinda life... maybe this could be because i see these but i dun experience this... since i am lucky enough to have parents who've always provided us with a decent living...and i know i can't rely on my parents forever~

The conversation lasted a good one hour i think.... which was good... cos it has been quite sometime since i last catched up with what's going on at home... long means... maybe 5 days? hahaha! but well... chatted abt everything.... blahs... dad wanting me to get honours... blahs... i dun wan... haha! it's juz too far-fetched lah... me and sweetie... and that she will be coming over at nov... she ALWAYS mention abt this... always.... asking when is my exam dates...~

Mum mentioned that my responsibility is going to be very big.... u know~ being the eldest .... among many other things...damn! more pressure... she always reminds me abt that... always.... and i always feels it.... never can i juz sweep it under the carpet and imagine that it's not there.... NEVER! Sometimes i wonder... what if.......... i can't passssss........ :(
everyone EXPECTS u to pass... everyone....

All righty, going back to my books... hope everything goes well tml for my test....

Love
Jorine