~*15 Days*~

Dear diary,

It's 15 days before i head over to aust. This entry is going to be mainly abt how i feel abt going to aust and stuffs , basically juz wanna pour out my feelings here. :D

I duno how i shld start really , there's really so much emotions going thru me now. I am neither positive nor negative. But i am neither NOT positive or negative. Confusing eh? It's really ironic. In a single day alone , i got 'in touch' with so many emotions. It has been like this since like a week ago really. But i really juz wanna mask all these away with a positive outlook and try to anticipate Day Zero. With all my might i tried but still i fail. Everytime i try to remain enthu abt it , i get emotional abt it all over again. Take for example the previous 24 hours.

It has been my habit to msg sweetie everynight b4 i go to bed. Used to call him everynight b4 i go to bed but since he started work it's juz impossible. As i msg i can't help but wonder if i will still be doing it when i am there , if it will still be possible for me to contact him as much as i want to. I will be able to call him anytime i want i know , but will it be within my financial means to do so? that's another issue all together. And then one thgt jump to another... i thgt of the stuffs he talked to me abt the previous day and i juz started ...... crying ~ it's prob silly to cry but hack... i did... but i juz allowed myself to continue crying cos i wanted to , i wanted to cryyyyyy!!! haha! Of cos i know that it's silly and uncalled for , but still i continue doing it till somehow i felt better. And then today when i was on the cab to my aunt's place ( to get some winter clothing ) , all alone... looking outside the window i thgt abt the things that he said and i started tearing again~ but this time ard of cos i tried to controlled! lolz!

But juz a few moments ago i was thinking abt how i am anticipating to decorate my hostel . I was trying to imagine how my hostel will look like and how i will be able to decorate it. I was even trying to picture how different colour combinations will look like , until i thgt of him and cried. ~! Such vunerability !

And to think that half the time when sweetie was talking to me... he was telling me how i shld be independent and that i shld not cry cos it's silly to cry esp so when this has been what i wanted all along. I was really ok when he told me he wanted to talk to me abt me heading over to aussie , afterall i totally think that we shall really have a trashing out good talk abt it. Like really voice out how we're feeling and how we're going to make this work. So when he took the lead and started that conversation i was kinda relieved that i do not need to hint to him abt talking out . Frankly if he had not taken the initiative to talk , i would have juz leave it as that cos we've already got some small talk abt it. Anyway i think that has gonna be the most intense talk me and sweetie shared. It was light-hearted at first , very the usual style we talk ... was talking abt how i gonna quickly apply for internet and how we're going to communicate and all the random thing ... until he suddenly held my hand , looked at me , smiled and then he said... ' dear u must be strong k... ' and the my tap juz started flowing.... maybe it's those words that are left unspoken... he really didn't need to say it out i know that he's really worry abt me cos he knows that i 'warm up' very slowly to new ppl and that i am a very 'attached ' kinda girl , like a very routine person. But on the other hand , he's showing me that he's confident that i can make it. Then he told me stuffs like he's really happy for me that i can go and fulfil my dream , must be independent ,dun trust ppl easily...~ the usuals... haha ! that i must never feel demoralised cos there are a lot of people back here supporting me and waiting for me to bring back the degree ... ~

So the stupid me upon remembering how he said 'dear u must be strong k ' starts sobbing everynow and there now. It's really crazy... like i can be chatting with him very lamely and then i remember what he said and i will feel tears accumulating... and then i will try very very hard to hold back... but yet despite all these i can still smile ... smile with tears threatening to burst out.

Hmm... maybe that's cos i am juz so attached to him. It's really like a part of u ~ leaving u for a little while. And it's damn 'painful' ... prob only for the intial part. Think this will be like how when he first went into tracom. LOLZ! think back i think i am really silly.... i cried until as if there's no tml ... lolz... those kinda loud loud kind accompanied by those little shivering motion thing... lolz.

I really hate to let him see me cry... lolz... i will take my pillow or whatever is near to cover my face ... or use my hand to cover... it's like i dun wanna face him with a crying face. haha! and i will still smile even thou i am crying cos maybe a part of me know that i am juz going to cry cos i am feeling emotional not because i am sad. haha ! It's like telling him... dun worry lah i crying now but i know what i am doing.

Hmm....... so yeah...... as the days roll by , my heart aches a little more. Knowing that i will not be able to see him face to face for 5 months , to talk to him , to pinch him , to play and tickle him hurts me more than anything else. Maybe someone squeeze too much lemon juice into my heart... how come it feels so 'sourish' there? Doesn't help at all that he keeps on mentioning that what he's anticipating now is not the day i am going but the day i will be back armed with the degree. He told me that he always feels better when he think of how much he's anticipating for that day . And i think he's right , i shldn't harp too much on how emotional i will get at the airport or how much i am going to miss my family , my buddies and him. Instead i shld focus of how great it will be like to finally be able to fufil my dream. This is afterall a once in a life time experience.

I will prob still cry at the airport , will prob still cry when i think of the words he said , but the objective of why i am going there will still be the focus at the end of the day. I will not let my family, my buds and sweetie be disappointed.

I will give it my very best .


Love,

p/s: Thanks dear , for being my pillar of strength. I know how much u wan me to feel like you'll always be there for me and i totally appreciate that. Our promise.